


S4V3 EGB3RT

by empiricalEvidence



Category: Homestuck
Genre: A Complex Fucking Web of Relationships, Alternate Selves, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Ashen Romance | Auspistice, Author Narrator, Bisexual Dave Strider, Bisexual John Egbert, Bisexuality, Bottom Dave Strider, Bottom John Egbert, Bottom Terezi Pyrope, Bulge Sucking (Homestuck), Bulges and Nooks (Homestuck), Caliginous Romance | Kismesis, Car Sex, Coming Out, Confrontations, Consensual Kink, Consensual Sex, Cute John Egbert, Daddy Dom Karkat Vantas, Dave Strider has a foot fetish lol, Dom Dave Strider, Dom June Egbert, Dom Karkat Vantas, Dom Terezi Pyrope, Dom/sub, Draw a Diagram at Home of All the Relationships and How They Interconnect, Earth C (Homestuck), Explicit Sexual Content, F/F, F/M, First Time Bottoming, Fivesome - F/F/M/M/M, Flushed Romance | Matesprits, Friends With Benefits, Gender Identity, Group Sex, Holy fuck how many tags should I add here?, I am the tag queen, Jade Harley Has a Dog Penis, Kink Discovery, Kink Negotiation, Lmao how many tags are we gonna need to add?, M/M, Minor John Egbert/Vriska Serket, Minor Terezi Pyrope/Vriska Serket, Moirails With Pails, Multi, Multiple Pairings, Multiple Terezis, My muscles involuntarily flex, Narrative Shenanigans, Nonbinary Character, Oral Sex, Orgy, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Polyamory, Porn With Plot, Porn with Feelings, Post-Canon, Praise Kink, Quadrant Vacillation, Queer Themes, Reconciliation, Resolved Sexual Tension, Roland Barthes - Freeform, Romantic Friendship, Safe Sane and Consensual, Self-Discovery, Seriously y'all, Somewhere Between Friendship and Lovers, Spitroasting, Sub Dave Strider, Sub John Egbert, Temporary Character Death, The Homestuck Epilogues, The Homestuck Epilogues: Meat, The New York Times, Time Shenanigans, Time Travel Fix-It, Top Dave Strider, Top Karkat Vantas, Trans Female Character, Trans Female John Egbert, Trans John Egbert, Trans Male Character, Trans Male Roxy Lalonde, Trans Roxy Lalonde, Ultimate Dirk Strider, Verbal Humiliation, gender euphoria, metamours, mild scent kink, things work out, two trucks having sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-05
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-13 10:47:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 15,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29152245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/empiricalEvidence/pseuds/empiricalEvidence
Summary: Terezi Pyrope enlists Dave Strider and Karkat Vantas to help save the life of one John Egbert.Through the power of fucking.It's a rollercoaster of self-discovery, romance, happiness, angst, and charity telethons.
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas, Jade Harley/Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas, Jake English/Dirk Strider, John Egbert/Dave Strider, John Egbert/Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas, John Egbert/Karkat Vantas, John Egbert/Roxy Lalonde, John Egbert/Terezi Pyrope, John Egbert/Terezi Pyrope/Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas, Rose Lalonde/Kanaya Maryam
Comments: 5
Kudos: 15





	1. TH3 PLOT

_ (In the wilds of a planet light-years from their home, a group of young adults stand off, preparing for violence. _

_ On one end: Dirk Strider, Prince of Heart, Ultimate Self - the idealized version of himself, granting him the power to alter their reality - their canon - at his whim. His sword is drawn. He is prepared to fight, and he expects to die - struck down by the hero's blade. It's the culmination of a grand plan to save his group of friends, who are gathered here to stop him. That plan requires him to be their antagonist, and to meet his end. It's an end that he's sure is a necessary sacrifice for the good of his loved ones. An end that, deep down, he yearns for. Next to him is Rose Lalonde, Seer of Light - an Ultimate Self, currently stuck in a robotic body, as her biological one cannot handle the power of her ascended form. Her wand is down. She is unprepared to fight against the people who oppose their plans - especially when her wife is among that opposition. _

_ On the other end: Dave Strider, Knight of Time, God-Tier - a step below an Ultimate Self. He, too, has drawn his sword. He is prepared to fight, and he expects to kill his brother - albeit reluctantly. He's been forced to conclude that Dirk is too far gone - too similar to the Prince's alternate self, the man he knew as Bro Strider - the man who raised and brutally abused Dave. To his left is Kanaya Maryam, Sylph of Space - not a God, but undead; she's a rainbow drinker, gaining sustenance from blood. The troll girl's fangs are bared. She's eager to get her revenge on the bastard who took her beloved Rose away from her. To Dave's right: Jade Harley, Witch of Space, Dog-Tier - or rather, the body of Jade Harley, possessed by an entity called Alt Calliope. Like Dirk, they also believe that their actions are necessary for the greater good. Like Dirk, they believe that their wrongdoing - in their case, taking over the body of a young immortal dog lady to achieve their goals - is for the greater good. Unlike Dirk, they have claimed to be villainous. _

_ Just behind Dave and Kanaya is Roxy Lalonde, the God-Tier Rogue of Void, and Karkat Vantas, the mortal Knight of Blood - and Dave's lover. They quietly steel themselves for the impending fight. For Roxy, she feels like she's failed. Dirk once told her that she was the person who kept her friends together. Now, she's about to see them murder each other. She doesn't care that it's necessary. Nor does Karkat - how many more times would he have to watch his friends kill one another? But neither of them know what else can be done. Dirk just informed all of them that he killed John Egbert. The one guy that all of them still cared for was dead - all thanks to him. _

_ And then Terezi Pyrope - Seer of Mind, wannabe legislacerator, blind girl extraordinaire - teleports in between them, a mutual friend of theirs by her side: a cherub named Callie, the alternate version of Alt Calliope. The two quickly separate: Callie runs to their partner, Roxy, and Terezi runs to Dave and company, holding a newspaper.) _

GA: Terezi

GA: What On Earth Are You-

_(Kanaya's attempt at questioning her fellow troll is suddenly cut off by the shorter girl shouting at Dave.)_

GC: D4V3!!

GC: STOP YOUR 4NGSTY COOLGUY SWORDF1GHT 4ND H3LP M3 OUT!!

TG: wait terezi where the fuck have you been jesus dick

TT: What the fuck.

GC: DO3SN'T M4TT3R!! DO YOU W4NT TO S4V3 3GB3RT??

TG: well i was about to avenge his death but yeah i wanna save my best fucking bro obviously

GC: GOOD!! G3T YOUR TROLL BOY 4ND YOUR B4RKB34ST G1RL 4ND L3T'S GO!

CG: WAIT, WHAT?! TEREZI, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!

_(With the force of a thousand suns, Terezi whacks Jade with a rolled-up newspaper - a fresh copy of the_ New York Times _\- a newspaper that hasn't been printed in centuries on Earth-C - causing Alt-Calliope's possession to be broken.)_

GG: ow!!! what the fuck???

TT: This isn't how this is supposed to go at all. Somebody's fuckin' with this.

GC: Y34H!! 1T'S M3 B1TCH!!!

_(Terezi reaches into her jacket pocket and hands Jade and Dave each small slivers of paper. Dave grabs on to Karkat and Terezi's hand. The blind troll emphasizes the paper in Jade's grasp.)_

GC: J4D3 G3T R34DY TO T3L3PORT US HERE!!

GC: D4V3 WH3N W3 G3T TH3R3 G3T R34DY TO GO B4CK TO TH4T PO1NT 1N T1M3!!

TG: ok and then what

TG: we just gonna like go over there and go fuck ourselves or-

_(Jade acts quickly, teleporting them all back to Earth-C.)_

Who the fuck are y-

_(In a green flash, the three reappear on their adopted homeworld, in the residence of Rose Lalonde - where one John Egbert used his powers to jump back into Homestuck canon - and outside of Dirk's current narrative sphere of influence. The house is eerily quiet.)_

GC: W3 GOT 1T FOR NOW J4D3

GG: uh... okay!! so i just... hang around or whatever???

GC: Y34H W3'LL ONLY B3 GON3 FOR 4 T1NY B1T FROM YOUR P3RSP3CT1V3

GC: OK D4V3 4S SOON 4S YOU S33 TH3 N3RD GR4B H1M!!

_(Karkat is wriggling in the grasp of Dave's hand.)_

CG: TEREZI, I SWEAR TO GOG IF YOU DON'T TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON-

_(He is interrupted by the three of them going back in time. The party arrives a single picosecond before John Egbert does the windy thing. The boy in blue is frozen in time, near his childhood friend (and the owner of the house). Dave grabs on to his best bro and unfreezes time. John uses his powers as the Heir of Breath to whisk himself from Earth-C back into Homestuck canon - and they, holding onto his body, are carried along with him. The trio of interlopers are only there for a mere femtosecond, from the perspective of any outside observer - too quick for Dirk or Rose to detect. Once they arrive, Dave again freezes time; it is only his grip on the two trolls that prevent them from being paused as well.)_

TG: ok now what rezi

TG: youve been leaving us at the edge of our motherfuckin seats so whats the scoop

FGC: OK 1 N33D YOU TO GO TO TH1S PO1NT 1N T1M3

_(She once again reaches into her jacket, and pulls out yet another slip of paper.)_

FGC: 1'LL GU1D3 US FROM TH3R3!!

CG: TEREZI, DAVE, ANYONE, *PLEASE*! FOR THE LOVE OF *FUCK*, TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON.

FGC: L4T3R!!

TG: yeah later

TG: because i still dont know dude

TG: im like blind as a fuckin bat

TG: like stevie wonder tryin to drive down the freeway while ray charles tries to read from the fuckin map

TG: so ill tell you when i do

_(They once again jump forward in time. Though they are in the same place, the surroundings look very different; in the distance is a massive black hole, which emits a bright green light that illuminates everything they can see. It is the remains of the Green Sun. The jump forward chronologically gives them just enough time to get to their destination. Terezi leads them quietly through space, her rocket shoes powering her movement. In the distance, floating in space, Dave sees a car, and as he approaches, notices it is rocking about slightly.)_

TG: uhh ok tz

TG: what the fuck is going on here

TG: i see the motion of the space ocean rockin the goddamn boat

TG: or well the 2000something sedan in the middle of outer space

TG: never thought id see johns dads car floating in front of a green hole but here we fucking are

TG: its the end of the fucking universe and someones still knocking boots and-

_(Terezi interrupts the Strider-ramble so this plan can get a move on.)_

FGC: D4V3

FGC: SHUT TH3 FUCK UP FOR 4 S3COND

FGC: 1F W3 W4NT TO S4V3 3GB3RT W3'R3 GO1NG TO H4V3 TO B3 W1LL1NG TO G3T OUR H4NDS D1RTY!!

FGC: N3RD BOY 1S 4BOUT TO D13 FROM TH3 PO1SON 1N H1S BODY

FGC: H3'S ON D34TH'S DOOR!! 1F 1T K1LLS H1M F1RST 1T'LL B3 V1RTU4LLY 1MPOSS1BL3 TO BR1NG H1M B4CK!!

_(They float in front of the automobile. The tint of the windows obscures the action inside, but Dave’s pretty sure he can guess what’s going on.)_

FGC: TH4T'S WHY W3'R3 GO1NG TO M4K3 SUR3 H3 *DO3SN'T* D13 OF TH4T!!

FGC: NON3 OF US W4NT TO K1LL H1M W1TH V1OL3NC3 THOUGH SO W3'R3 GO1NG TO DO 1T 4NOTH3R W4Y!!

TG: sweet baby jesus what is it

FGC: P41L1NG!!

CG: *WHAT* THE *FUCK*?!?

TG: holy fuck seriously

TG: wow terezi lets fuck egbert to life and death my fucking god

_(The rocking of the car suddenly stops, and the door to the backseat opens. Terezi - or rather, Past Terezi - and John are holding each other. It's obvious what they're doing, but the three can't help but take in every detail anyway. His bloodied clothes lie in a heap on the floor of the car's backseat, and Terezi's are right nearby. John's back is to the seat, and Terezi's back is to John's chest. Her engorged bulge is between their stomachs, and John is jerking it off as he ruts into her. His other is cupping her breast. John looks tired, but pleased to see them - which surprises the hell out of Dave, given that they just interrupted his deathbed fuckfest. He also looks like balls warmed over. He's pale, and his chest is wrapped in bandage tape - beneath which his fatal wound lies. The signs of it can be seen on the tape itself - there are spots of dried blood and a mysterious, tar-like substance.)_

EB: h-hey guys!

_(Seeing the other version of herself, past Terezi suddenly starts to smile widely. She knows herself well enough to know that she has something planned to save their boy in blue.)_

TG: uh

TG: hi egbert

EB: i heard some voices outside, and when i looked, i saw you three! it's good to see everyone! i know i should be freaked out because you guys are seeing me mid-fuck... but i'm dying, so it's kind of hard to give a shit.

EB: actually... since i'm dying...

EB: i've been thinking about things lately!

CG: OH FUCK. OH GOG. EGBERT WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

GC, FGC: SHH!!

EB: i uh... i might not be a homosexual...

EB: but uh... maybe i'm bisexual?

TG: holy shit 

TG: are you serious

TG: is this the loss of blood talking or did terezi bone-bulge you into the goddamn homo zone

GC: 4R3 YOU HON3STLY SURPR1S3D BY TH1S R3V3L4T1ON??

FGC: S3R1OUSLY D4V3, YOUR WHOL3 FR13ND GROUP 1S KN33 D33P 1N HUM4N HOMO-N3SS!!

GC: YOU OF 4LL P3OPL3 SHOULD B3 L34ST SURPR1S3D BY TH1S 3SP3C14LLY G1V3N *OUR* H1STORY!! >;]

_(Terezi turns her upper body around to point an accusatory finger at the shade-wearing blonde from her position atop John’s cock. Future Terezi cackles at the compromising position Dave’s placed himself in.)_

TG: what the fuck do you mean by that

TG: “our history” what does us dating have to do with you fucking egbert or egbert wanting it up his plush rump

CG: SERIOUSLY, STRIDER? IT’S PRETTY FUCKING OBVIOUS!

CG: YOU WERE THE FIRST HUMAN TO HAVE SEX WITH TEREZI. SHE WAS THE FIRST ONE TO FUCK YOUR WASTECHUTE. YOU LATER COME OUT AS BISEXUAL AND START DATING ME, WHICH YOU INSIST ON CLASSIFYING AS A “HOMOSEXUAL RELATIONSHIP” DESPITE THAT TERM ANNOYING ME TO NO GOGDAMN END.

CG: I THINK YOU KNOW FIRST-FUCKING-HAND WHAT BEING “BONE-BULGED INTO THE GODDAMN HOMO ZONE” IS LIKE!

_(Dave’s light skin shows a bright red blush. John giggles at his best friend’s embarrassment.)_

GC: BY TH3 W4Y K4RKL3S YOU R34LLY SHOULD TH4NK M3 FOR TR41N1NG YOUR HUM4N BOY FOR YOU!!

GC: 1'M TH3 R34SON H3'S SO GOOD 4ROUND 4 BULG3 >;]

CG: SHUT THE FUCK UP TEREZI!

_(Egbert’s light giggles have escalated into full-on chortles, which mix in with the cackles of the two Terezis.)_

EB: hehe! man dave, we really do have a lot in common, huh? :B

_(Dave stands there, furiously blushing.)_

EB: other terezi… you’re from the future, right? that’s what terezi says... well, the one in my lap. i'm guessing you have a plan, huh?

FGC: WH3N DO 1 NOT??

EB: and... i'm guessing there's a reason why you're here in the middle of our deathbed sex-time. hehe.

_(Terezi smiles at him with a devilish grin.)_

FGC: YOU B3T YOUR SW33T N3RD 4SS TH3R3 1S!!

does that mean i'll be surviving this after all? or are you just trying to get another piece of me before i croak? ;B

FGC: SORRY 3GB3RT, YOU'R3 ST1LL GO1NG TO D13!! W3'LL G3T OUR FUCK ON W1TH YOU C4US1NG YOU TO D13 4 NON-H3RO1C D34TH

CG: HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE. HOW THE *FUCK* DO YOU KNOW THAT’S GOING TO WORK?! AS ATTRACTIVE AS JOHN IS, HOW THE FUCK HELL IS PAILING HIM TO DEATH SUPPOSED TO SAVE OUR FAVORITE FUCKING BUFFOON?

TG: yeah uh i know that john just let loose a whole massive raft of gay revalations just now but id rather save him rather than fuck him because like

TG: i really dont get how having sex until he dies makes his impending death non-heroic

_(Future Terezi facepalms at the two idiots interrupting her, groaning. Current Terezi feels a pang of sympathy for herself.)_

FGC: B3C4US3 H3'LL FUCK1NG D13 FROM S3X 1NST34D OF FROM 3NGL1SH'S PO1SON!! SO 1T WON'T B3 4 FUCK1NG H3RO1C D34TH!! WH1CH M34NS H3'LL COM3 B4CK TO L1F3!! THUS S4V1NG H1S DORKY F4T 4SS!!

_(Terezi finishes explaining with a growl, her fangs showing in her grimace. Karkat glares daggers at the blind girl. Dave looks extremely nervous right now, his mind still thrown for a loop by the sexual nature of the plan. Past Terezi has a wide, shit-eating grin. John looks at his friends, with a soft smile, before all five of them are retconned into the backseat of his car. Karkat finds himself sitting on Dave's lap, the two in between John and future Terezi, while past Terezi remains in John's lap, languidly riding his dick. John's hand continues to idly rub his lover's bulge, which leaks genetic material on the two of them. Before they have a chance to flip out, John takes a hand off Terezi's breast and puts it to his best friend's shoulder.)_

EB: dave?

TG: y-yes john

EB: i know this is weird... but, i trust terezi. if she has a grand plan, i'm sure it'll save us all in the end!

EB: i've seen her do it before, and well... let's face it, i gotta feel pretty strongly about her if we're in the middle of doing this, right?

CG: BUT JOHN -

EB: karkat, please. if there's one thing i've learned from all this, it's that things could still get messed up! 

EB: maybe i come back to life, but i have to be dead for a really long time. or maybe terezi's plan gets wrecked and i stay dead! no offense, rezi.

GC, FGC: NON3 T4K3N

EB: look, what i'm saying is... i know you don't trust her the way i do. but you trust me, right? well, i trust terezi.

EB: i'm sure that her wild crazy sex plan will work out!

EB: and if it somehow doesn't...

EB: well, hey, at least i got to have a great time with the girl i love and my two best bros!

_(Were John not a dead man walking - or fucking, as it were - he'd be blushing pretty hard right now.)_

EB: i haven't ever dealt with this stuff the way i should have. you know? i've ignored my feelings for so long... i thought that being into girls meant i wasn't into guys too!! which is pretty dumb, because bisexual people are a thing, right? but uh...

EB: i may not ever get a chance to deal with this again.

EB: and... honestly, you guys are my best friends.

EB: and if there was anyone i'd trust my gay virginity with... it'd be you two!

EB: besides dave, i think we're in the same boat in terms of gay stuff!

TG: oh

TG: actually uh

TG: me and karks here finally became a thing

_(John's sad smile broadens into a trademark Egbertian grin. He laughs.)_

EB: oh man!!! did i really miss that?

TG: y-yeah

TG: y-you missed a lot

TG: ...

_(Despite the ridiculousness of this situation, Karkat can't help but get caught in a wave of emotion. His crush on Egbert was so long ago, but a tiny part of him always wondered what it would have been like if John had reciprocated._

_Dave, too, is caught in a riptide of feelings. He remembered his own crush on his best friend - one abandoned due to his friend's supposed straightness. He, too, wonders what might have been._

_Granted, John's two bros are deliriously happy with one another - there's no way they would choose what might have been over what they have now. But..._

_This could be the last time they ever get to be with John, ever again. (In any way, not just a sexual one.) And the guy is giving them his final request. Which happens to involve a wild orgy with them and his matesprit - well, his matesprit and a temporal clone of his matesprit - but that's besides the point. It's still his last wish._

_And, even if he does survive, who's to say that he ever wants to be with them again? (Specifically in a sexual way - although the two lovers can't help but wonder if that could mean in_ any _way, if this shit doesn't work out. Or if he comes to hate them from this somehow.)_

 _But also, they want this. They want_ him _._

_And John wants them too._

_And so do both of the Terezis._

_Although John is eager, he can't help but feel nervous as the reality of what he’s about to do sinks in. His smile seems to become more bashful. Karkat notices the look on his face and becomes concerned. He starts to doubt everything he was just thinking. Maybe John doesn’t really want this? Maybe he feels forced to do it. The twinge of the wind god’s smile throws Karkat for a loop.)_

CG: JOHN, LOOK. I KNOW WHAT TEREZI SAID, BUT HONESTLY, IF YOU DON’T WANT TO DO THIS, YOU DON’T HAV-

_(John interrupts him with a kiss directly on the troll’s lips. Karkat is shocked at first, but soon begins reciprocating, causing John to groan a bit into his mouth. He already knew he wanted to do this; now, he’s making it known to his two cute BFFs. Just because he’s a little nervous doesn’t mean he isn’t eager! He releases the kiss with a soft smile, panting a little.)_

EB: does that answer your question, karkat?

CG: Y-YES. YES, JOHN.

CG: THAT *DEFINITELY* FUCKING CLARIFIES THINGS.

EB: so, are you in?

_(Karkat can't help but think that his answer was decided as soon as he saw his ex-matesprit and his former love-interest/currently dying best friend fucking in the back of his lusus' car and asking him and Dave to join in.)_

CG: W-WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK, FUCKASS?!

CG: OF COURSE I’M FUCKING IN. JEGUS.

_(John's face blossoms into an earnest, nervous, excited smile. He seems to almost vibrate with enthusiasm. He and the two Terezis turn their attention to Dave, all giving him hungry grins. A beat passes, and then another, as Dave is still frozen. Future Terezi, who had been quietly soaking in the scene with her menacing grin, leans over and nudges Dave.)_

FGC: CMON COOLK1D JUST S4Y 1T 4LR34DY!!

GC: CMOOON

_(Internally, Dave is freaking out. His mind is a broken record, needle stuck on “holy fuck holy fuck holy fuck”. But that’s not cool, so he does his best to hide it.)_

TG: yeah sure of course dog like lets get on this fuck train right now and get down with egbert

_(This does not work, as these people are his closest friends - the majority of them have dated the Knight of Time. They are all esteemed Striderologists by this point. Both Terezis cackle at him, causing Dave to blush a beet red. John grins mischievously as he leans in to Dave’s face and kisses his cheek - then sucks on the blonde’s earlobe. Dave cries out sharply. Score! John can’t help but think how cool it is that he and his best friend are both sensitive there. Current Terezi gives a smirk - she taught Egbert well. Future Terezi leans into her shades-wearing human ex and places a kiss on his neck, before sucking hard and giving him a hickey. Not to be outdone, Vantas joins in on the Strider smooches by passionately kissing his matesprit on the lips. Dave moans are loud, barely muffled by his boyfriend’s mouth. After a minute or so, Dave pulls away, clearly hot and bothered.)_

TG: f-fuck… guys… sh-shit…

GC: 4NSW3R TH3 QU3ST1ON N3RD!! >;]

EB: c’mon, davey~! ;B

TG: w-what the fuck do you think

TG: of fucking course i want this

TG: this is like a fuckin dream come true

TG: p-please...

EB: alright!! let's get this started. ;B

_(Dave suddenly realizes that all of Pyrope's current and past partners are all in the car. And they're all about to fuck._

_Somehow, he should have known that being Terezi's ex would have consequences._

_As if they heard his thoughts, the two Terezis grin evilly at the blonde-haired bi boy._

_Shit.)_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first chapter of my first Homestuck fanfic!  
> I hope you guys are enjoying this so far! Posting this has been the culmination of several months of tumult, both within the outside world and within my personal life. I've been wanting to write fanfiction for years, and 2020 was the year I *finally* decided to go for it. Shortly after I started, my family was hit by a tragic loss. Writing this (and the major fanwork project that my friend and I are working on behind the scenes!) has been a crucial anchor for me. During that time, I've made so many great friends who've helped me smile in one of the darkest periods of my life. 
> 
> Shoutouts to AnamorphMarco, twofoldaxiom, LaOruga, wetiyurae, rosegarden, Laurasaurus, alldavekat, LeafStitch, seademons, C4L1C4T, and everyone else in Gang Gang and Davekat Thirst Federation who beta-read this fic, encouraged me through this process, and gave me advice! You guys made this possible, and I hope you all enjoy this chapter and the ones that are coming out.
> 
> Feel free to leave whatever crit or concrit you please! Even if it's to say that you think it sucks, I legitimately appreciate whatever comments you choose to leave. Thank you all so much!


	2. TH3 PORN

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John, Dave, Karkat, and two Terezis hold hands for a whole chapter. Somewhere, Caliborn is rock fucking hard.
> 
> Nah, just kidding. It's a fucking gangbang orgy.

_(A relieved John tries to reach over and grab his friends by the shoulders - but he nearly drops his troll girlfriend in the process.)_

EB: woah! oops. i guess we need more space for this...

_(Egbert disappears into the wind with Terezi - somehow STILL on his dong. He reappears outside the car, a plush bed floating next to the car underneath his naked rear, now sloppily making out with Past Terezi, whose chest now faces John's. It appears to be tethered to his Dad’s car by a rope. He releases the kiss and waves down his friends.)_

EB: hey guys!! over here!

_(The three exit the car, finding Egbert has once again placed his lips against those of his troll girlfriend's. While Dave and Karkat hesitate, future Terezi eagerly gets behind John, nibbling at his earlobe, causing John to moan into her past self's mouth.)_

FGC: FUCK Y3S 1 M1SS3D TH4T!!

_(He releases the kiss with past Terezi again, turning around so he can look at both versions of his lover.)_

EB: how long has it been...?

FGC: THR33 

FGC: FUCK1NG

FGC: Y34RS

EB: shit.

_(The three turn to Dave and Karkat. Karkat approaches, removing his shirt as he slowly nears. John looks at Karkat with a lustful eagerness as he comes to sit down on the mattress. Even though he looks weakened in this current state, Karkat can't help but feel attracted to his close friend. He's attractive - there's no doubt about that. John has strong arms and a belly with a slight curve to it. His hips are nice and chubby - his hip bones are wide, and his ass has a classic C shape. Dave is on the mattress a few feet away from the action, gazing at his childhood friend. He’s still shocked that this is actually fucking happening.)_

EB: ah... it's kinda unfair that you guys are the only ones who get to stare! cmon, show us what you two got!

FGC: YOU H34RD H1M!! STR1P DOWN, N3RDS!!

CG: I THINK I'LL DO MORE THAN THAT.

 _(Karkat's pulls John forward and brings him into an aggressive kiss, which John eagerly reciprocates. Current Terezi lets out a wolf whistle and silently thanks the Blind Prophets for her smell-o-vision. John keeps thinking to himself how goddamn hot this is - and yeah, he's bi. 1000%. This feels too good for him to_ not _be bisexual. As he kisses the wind god, Karkat removes his baggy sweatpants and strips off his underwear, exposing his full body for a very appreciative past Terezi. Dave watches his boyfriend, amazed and aroused. He expected to feel a little jealous about this, but... it's John. And he's about to share him with Karkat and the Terezis. Right now, though, he's too caught up in gawking to act. His thoughts are interrupted by hands rubbing on his chest, pulling up his shirt. Future-rezi gives him an expression that he hasn't seen from her in years.)_

FGC: H3H3H3!! WH4T'S TH3 M4TT3R D4V3?? 1S TH1S TOO HOT FOR YOU TO H4NDL3??

TG: no man in fact its too hot to not handle like seriously i-

_(Future Terezi silences Dave with a french kiss, before pulling off his shirt for him, revealing his scar-covered torso to everyone else. She then efficiently pantses the time god, revealing his boxer-covered rear. Of the three males, he has the most slender and tall build, with a light amount of muscle to it. His butt is the smallest of the three, but there's still enough there to grab on and play with. Unlike John and Karkat, Dave's butt is toned. He's put work into his backside, and it shows. Terezi clearly has a type - whatever their body type, a nice ass is a must. The Seer of Mind cackles at Dave as she releases the kiss.)_

FGC: YOU M4Y 4CT L1K3 4 COOLK1D BUT 1N TH3 B3DROOM YOU'R3 TH3 B1GG3ST DORK OF TH3M 4LL!!

TG: yeah yeah i dont remember you complaining 

FGC: TH4T'S B3C4US3 B4CK TH3N 1 D1DN'T H4V3 4NYON3 WHO W4S GOOD 1N B3D TO COMP4R3 YOU TO!!

CG: GEE, FUCKING *THANKS*, TEREZI.

FGC, GC: H3 H3 H3

_(She leads him over to the massive bed and sits him down. He takes the opportunity to quickly pull off his shoes - John may have got this bed from god-knows-where, but he's not going to ruin the thing that he's about to fuck on. He also takes the opportunity to throw off his boxers, revealing his erect dong._

_Speaking of asses, Karkat has begun groping at John's, who's jerking off two bulges right now - Karkat's and Past Terezi's. He wonders how his 13-year-old self would feel knowing that he'd grow up to stroke off a dude in one hand, and a girl in the other. He's gone from having zero sexual encounters to orgies in just a matter of hours. That's probably weird, right? He would be totally weirded out by that prospect as a kid. But kid him was scared to be honest with himself about this stuff! He deserves to have this time with his friends. And he deserves to have some bisexual fun! A small hand on his nipple makes him suddenly break the kiss, throwing his head back slightly and moaning. Past Terezi is pinching his nipple with one hand as she plays with his dick with the other. She laughs at his girly reaction.)_

EB: o-ohhh god-!! 

GC: YOU S33 K4RK4T ON3 TH1NG 1'V3 L34RN3D 1S TH4T H3 *R34LLY* L1K3S H4V1NG H1S FL4T L1TTL3 RUMBL3 SPH3R3S PL4Y3D W1TH

CG: AND? SO DO YOU, ASSHOLE.

TG: yeah thats something i learned too terezi likes nipple play that is a bona-fide fact yall

EB: oh yeah, sh- aahnn… 

_(She responds with another cackle. Dave moves over next to John and scopes out his choice ass, groping the side of his rear not occupied by Karkat’s hand.)_

TG: so john what did you have in mind for us today

TG: maybe a little vore play between five consenting bros

TG: we all take turns eating each other and vomiting us back out so it’s like a rainbow party and a vore p-

_(John Egbert now leans into Dave and pulls the patented “Shut Strider Up with a Kiss” technique that Terezi invented and Karkat mastered.)_

EB: oh my god, you moron! you’re lucky you’re so damn cute.

TG: hah yeah

TG: seriously though what do you want us to do

EB: well, i was just planning on going with the flow and stuff, but i did have some stuff in mind.

TG: yeah like what dont leave me on pins and penises here

EB: nothing too specific, i guess? mainly i kinda just wanna be submissive i guess.

TG: hey karks did ya hear that

TG: eggboy is a bottom bitch

CG: AND YOU FUCKING *AREN’T*? SERIOUSLY, YOU’RE ONE TO FUCKING TALK, DAVE. “OH KARKAT, PLEASE GIVE ME YOUR FUCKING TENTACLE D-”

_(Karkat's snark is interrupted by a sudden grunt of pleasure caused by John's continued stroking of his candy-red bulge.)_

CG: MHHN. *FUCKING CHRIST*, JOHN. WHEN DID YOU GET SO GOOD AT THIS?

GC: W3 GOT 1N LOTS OF PR4CT1C3!!

EB: hehe. lots and lots ;B

GC: 4ND FOR TH3 R3CORD STR1D3R, NO, H3'S NOT 4 BOTTOM B1TCH L1K3 YOU!! H3'S 4CTU4LLY QU1T3 V3RS4T1L3 FOR 4 L1TTL3 DORK!!

GC: FUUUUCK JOHN, TH4T'S GOOD

TG: shit man good for you john sounds like you won the pyrope seal of approval for sex-having huh

FGC: S3R1OUSLY THOUGH JOHN, WH4T D1D YOU H4V3 1N M1ND??

EB: well, first, i just wanna taste my bro’s cock. and uh… i guess we’ll go from there!

TG: oh shit 

TG: wait do you mean me or karkat i just gotta make sure or maybe you mean terezi

_(John rolls his eyes.)_

EB: dave, you dork! i mean you! now gimme your dick! :B

CG: FUCK YEAH, I GOTTA SEE THIS.

FGC: T1M3 TO SUCK OFF YOUR B3ST FR13ND MR. 1 4M NOT 4 HOMOS3XU4L!!

EB: you guys will never let me live that down, huh?

TG: nope

CG: NAH. 

FGC: N3V3R!! >:]

GC: H3 H3 H3!!

TG: sorry bro for the rest of your eternal life you will forever be known as mr i am not a homosexual 

TG: kinda like how im known as mr pretend not to be in love with karkat for like a fucking decade thats just what happens

TG: thems the breaks as spider bitch says

_(John rolls his eyes in mock-annoyance at them, and lets out a slight giggle. He quickly pulls back to the task at hand: sucking off Dave Strider. He walks on his knees in front of Strider’s position on the bed and looks down at the throbbing member before him. Karkat, Past Terezi, and Terezi are idly circlejerking each other’s bulges as they watch the two human bisexuals consummate their friends-with-benefits-mance._

_Holy shit, Dave thinks to himself._

_This is actually fucking happening._

_The thing he dreamed about so long ago is happening.)_

TG: okay egbert

TG: you ready to suck on my fucking womb raider

EB: dave, if you call it your “womb raider” ever again, not only am i not ever sucking on your cock, i’m going to retcon your cock out of existence!

TG: goddamn egbert kinda overkill huh

EB: shh!!! let me just… get used to this

_(John takes a few moments to stare at the dick in front of him. Wow. He’s got this far. He’s going to suck off Dave Strider. His best friend for life. He checks himself quick… yep, he’s completely down, that hasn’t changed. Time to -_

_His thoughts are interrupted by the cackling of the future version of his matesprit.)_

FGC: LOST YOUR N3RV3, 3GB3RT??

_(He’s snapped back to reality. Wow, he’s really caught up in the moment!)_

EB: heh! not at all! let me take it slow, tez. i'm new to this! :B

FGC: 1'LL G1V3 YOU 4 P4SS TH1S ON3 T1M3 S1NC3 YOU'R3 SO FUCK1NG CUT3

TG: (seriously bro you can just ignore them take this as slow as you want to)

EB: (don’t worry, i know!)

_(Egbert looks up at the taller male from his seat on the bed and gives him a grin and a wink. God, he is so cute, Dave thinks to himself._

_Egbert swallows - wow, he has a lot of spit in his mouth all of a sudden, and not from the kissing. Well, this is it, John thinks to himself. It's time to do some gay stuff. He looks up at Dave's face, who is burning with arousal and a hint of embarrassment. Man, Dave is hot. Seeing his best friend looking down at him as he prepares to play with his cock makes him feel tiny - it's like Dave and his dick are towering over him, and he has no choice but to obey him. Like he's powerless to Dave's will..._

_John gradually brings his face close to Dave's dong. It's a healthy size - it's about average, like his own. Maybe a tiny bit smaller than his? He pays attention to every small detail - the veins along the shaft, the ridge of the cock head, the small pool of precum on the tip of his dick. He notices that Dave's cockhead is rather bulbous - not that he has much to compare it to besides his own. But it looks like Dave's dick is thicker than his overall as well. He slowly begins tracing a finger along the shaft, taking in its shape._

_And... wow. The smell. When he and Terezi (well, Past Terezi to the other three) started fucking earlier, one of the first things he noticed was that her parts smelled really nice. He hadn't expected the smell thing! It seems Dave's dick has the same effect on him, because... fuck, his mouth is watering. Actually, he thinks that he might like Dave's musk even more than Terezi's. Not that he'll ever say that to her. Fuck... he could bury himself in that scent... He brings himself up to Dave’s balls, and notices that the smell is even stronger there. He takes a big whiff of it into his nostrils, and he can feel himself drool a little. Jeez, this is hot. A quick glance down at his own dick shows that he is dribbling precum onto the sheets. He begins to suckle Dave’s left nut, being careful to not hurt his friend’s orb._

_By this point, John has put his whole hand on Dave's cock, and is lightly rubbing it, enjoying the sensation of how it throbs in his hands. He never noticed how much dicks do that - does his throb like that? He probably should know, given how long he's played with his own. He's surprised at how different it feels to rub someone else's cock compared to jerking your own off. There's so many things that he never noticed about penises until just now! God... he just wants to have more...)_

TG: j-john... 

TG: please… 

_(For Dave, the arousal he's feeling is almost_ painful _. His friend appeared hypnotized by his cock, staring at it, sniffing it, and playing with it like it was the most amazing thing in the world. It's so fucking hot, but he needs_ more _.)_

TG: for fuck’s sake PLEASE suck me off bro i need you

TG: please dont make me beg

_(He gives his friend a shit-eating grin.)_

EB: and what if i WANT you to beg, hmm? 

TG: oh shit is that the direction were taking this

EB: we'll take this into whatever direction i like, davey~ ;B

 _(Dave didn’t ever expect to hear that kind of dominant growl from John’s higher-pitched, androgynous voice. God_ damn _, yeah, Terezi wasn’t lying. Homie knows how to ball. Or… play with balls._

_As John sees how Dave's dick is dribbling precum from the tip now - huh, Dave’s cock almost leaks as much as his - he knows exactly where to start. He puts his tongue around the thin line of pre running down Dave's head, inquisitively reaching for a taste. It... it isn't bad. Salty, but not bad. Not that he's unfamiliar with the taste of cum - he likes to drink his own. He... kind of realizes that maybe he should have taken that as a sign that he wasn't straight. Most straight dudes don't enjoy the taste of semen._

_Encouraged by the nice taste, John suddenly takes Dave's whole cock head in his mouth. Dave cries out as he does so, a moan that trails off into a groan as he gets accustomed to the sensation of his cock in John's mouth. John is inexperienced, but he's extremely eager - actually, he's doing a pretty good job given that this is his first cock. Best of all is the view that he has. John's gaze is looking straight up at him. Dave wishes he could frame this scene: John Egbert with his tongue wrapped around his cock, looking up at him, with love in his bright blue eyes. It's even better than he imagined it._

_Meanwhile, in his head, John is replaying the instructions Terezi gave him earlier, when he was fellating her bulge. Sure, a human dick isn't exactly the same, but it's pretty close, right? He begins to re-enact that in earnest, as he begins picking up speed playing with his best friend's phallus.)_

GC: H3H3H3

GC: 4S YOU C4N S33 JOHN'S 4 QU1CK L34RN3R

GC: H3 GOT 4 LOT OF PR4CT1C3 1N ON MY BULG3 34RL13R

TG: f-fuck... did he now

TG: (jesus christ john hell yes dont stop)

GC: Y3S

GC: H3 3V3N GUZZL3D DOWN MY G3N3T1C FLU1D L1K3 4 GOOD L1TTL3 BULG3-B1TCH >;]

_(John looks at the Terezi on his left side, making a noise that sounds something like admonishment. He would look embarrassed if his mouth weren't so full of cock. He gingerly takes his mouth off of Dave's cock and strokes it instead.)_

EB: terezi!!

TG: wow

GC: H3H3H3

GC: F4C3 1T JOHN YOU'R3 4 N4TUR4L 4T PL34SUR1NG BULG3S >:]

CG: I’LL FUCKING SAY. HE DID A PRETTY SOLID JOB WHEN HE WAS STROKING ME OFF EARLIER.

TG: yeah i - holy fucking shit dear sweet baby jesus christ on the cross - yeah i can confirm that hes good with phalluses

TG: that is indeed a talent of one mr. john fucking egbert

TG: seriously john please get back on my dick im begging you

_(John may have objected, but he still has a slight smile on his face after this revelation. He quickly gets back to sucking. Sure, it's embarrassing... but it feels nice to be teased by her too. Does her embarrassing him get him off? He kind of thinks it might.)_

CG: SO... DO YOU LIKE MY MATESPRIT’S COCK?

EB: mmh-hmm~ ets goof… 

_(John tries to respond, but he’s too enamored by having Dave’s delicious dong in his mouth to speak properly. Dave and Karkat look at each other. This is the guy they were convinced was 100% straight.)_

GC: 1 H4V3 TO T4K3 SOM3 CR3D1T FOR H1S S1GN1F1C4NT PROW3SS 1N TH3 R3SP1T3BLOCK!! 1 T4UGHT H1M QU1T3 4 FUCK1NG LOT!!

FGC: 1 CONCUR, W3 GOT 4 LOT DON3 1N JUST 4 COUPL3 OF HOURS >:]

GC: Y34H, TOO B4D 1 DON'T G3T TWO HOURS B4NG1NG H1M!! YOU'D B3TT3R M4K3 TH1S WORTH 1T FUTUR3 M3

_(Future Terezi shuts her up with a quick, but passionate kiss, aggressively jamming her tongue into her mouth before suddenly pulling away. Is it really possible to have too much of a good thing, John asks himself?)_

FGC: F1RST OF 4LL YOU'R3 G3TT1NG 4N 3V3N HOTT3R T1M3 W1TH 3GB3RT TH4N 1 D1D

FGC: S3COND YOU'R3 GONN4 B3 4BL3 TO DO TH1S W4Y MOR3 TH4N JUST ONC3

_(Past Terezi is still flustered by the temporal-self quickie makeout session. She struggles a bit to speak.)_

GC: S-SP34K1NG OF M4YB3 YOU SHOULD 3XPL41N TO JOHN 3X4CTLY HOW TH1S W1LL WORK!!

FGC: Y3S F1N3

FGC: JOHN 

FGC: DO YOU R3M3MB3R HOW YOU 4ND P4ST M3 H3R3 H4D TO T4K3 4 COUPL3 OF BR34KS WH3N W3 P41L3D?

_(John reluctantly pulls his mouth away from the erection in front of his face, taking it out of his mouth with a quiet “pah” and turning his head to look at Future Terezi. Dave groans in disappointment, letting out a slight “fuck” as John moves away. However, the Knight notices the strand of saliva that briefly bridges the gap between John’s mouth and the tip of his dick. He_ really _appreciates that detail, for whatever reason.)_

EB: yeah! we had to stop for a couple of minutes because I started to feel weak.

FGC: TH4T'S B3C4US3 YOUR H34RT'S B33N W34K3N3D BY TH3 PO1SON

FGC: 4 NORM4L HUM4N WOULDN'T B3 4BL3 TO 3V3N FUCK R1GHT NOW BUT YOU'R3 GOD-T13R

FGC: SO 1F W3'R3 GONN4 K1LL YOU W1TH S3X W3 GOTTA RAMP UP THE ACTION AND FUCK THROUGH THAT FEELING!!

EB: oh! that makes sense

FGC: 1T'S NOT L1K3 1 N33D3D TO T3LL H1M

FGC: H3 WOULD H4V3 DON3 1T 4NYW4Y

GC: Y34H W3LL 1T'S POL1T3!

CG: OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE! CAN YOU TWO STOP ARGUING?!

EB: if that's the case... maybe we should speed things up a bit. ;B

CG: FINALLY, SOMETHING SENSIBLE. THANK YOU, JOHN. YES, LET’S GET THIS GOGDAMN SHOW ON THE ROAD.

_(Dave notices a glint in Karkat’s eye that he’s seen many times before. Karkat is taking control of the situation._

_Hell fucking yes. Dominant Karkat is his life fuel. It almost makes up for the fact that John isn’t currently placing his supple lips on his bulge.)_

CG: JOHN, YOU SAID YOU WANTED TO BOTTOM, RIGHT?

EB: mmh-hmm!

CG: GOOD. BECAUSE RIGHT NOW, I WANT TO FUCK YOU. IN FACT, RIGHT NOW, I WANT TO SEE YOU TAKING BULGE EVERY WHICH WAY. 

_(He stands up and walks over right in front of the human male. Despite knowing that Karkat is actually an inch shorter than the diminutive Egbert, John feels so much_ smaller than him _from his current position on his knees. A shudder works its way down his spine.)_

CG: THINK YOU CAN HANDLE THAT, EGBERT?

EB: yes sir…

 _(John blushes a little at the quietness in his voice. He just called Karkat - Mr. Shouty McNubHorns himself! - “sir”. Christ, that feels_ good _, he thinks to himself. Karkat clearly appreciates the treatment, because he has a smirk on his face.)_

FGC: W3LL K4RK4T, 1 H4V3 TO H4ND 1T TO YOU

FGC: YOU C3RT41NLY KNOW HOW TO H4NDL3 4 HUM4N!!

_(Future Terezi has a shit-eating grin on her face. She always thought that Karkat had the capacity to be a skilled top. Seeing it in action was quite entertaining, and she could tell how much John was eating up this treatment. Besides that, her seer powers told her that Karkat dominating this situation might be the best option.)_

FGC: 1N F4CT WHY DON'T YOU T4K3 COMM4ND K4RKL3S?? S331NG 4S HOW YOU H4V3 TH3 MOST 3XP3R13NC3 1N BOTH DOM1N4T1NG HUM4NS 4ND B31NG 4 L34D3R >;]

CG: FIRST OF ALL, DON’T REFERENCE OUR SHITTY SESSION IN THE BEDROOM. EVER.

CG: SECONDLY, THANK YOU, TEREZI. THIS MAY BE THE MOST SENSIBLE DECISION YOU’VE EVER MADE.

_(The Terezi from the future laughs at the expression of frustration on her past self.)_

FGC: H3 H3 H3!!

_(This only serves to further annoy Current Terezi. Her nose scrunches up in disgust.)_

GC: J3GUS FUCK FUTUR3 M3!! 4R3 W3 R34LLY GO1NG TO L3T L1TTL3 K1TK4T DOM1N4T3 *OUR* 3GB3RT ORGY??

FGC: SHUT 1T P4ST P4ST PYROP3!! YOU 4ND 1 BOTH KNOW 1T'S 4N OPT1M4L P4TH FOR TH1S SC3N4R1O!!

GC: YOU W3R3N'T TH3 ON3 G3TT1NG 4LON3 T1M3 W1TH 3GB3RT B3FOR3 SOM3 NOOKSN1FF3RS FROM TH3 FUTUR3 C4M3 TO 1NT3RRUPT TH3 B3ST P41L1NG S3SS1ON 1N P4R4DOX SP4C3!!

CG: OH MY SHITTING FUCKING *GOG*. CRY ME A RIVER. JEGUS FUCK, THIS TAKES ME BACK TO THOSE WONDERFUL DAYS OF ARGUING WITH MY PAST SELVES. WELCOME TO MY HELL, TEREZI. 

TG: so do i have a vote in this

GC, FGC: NO

TG: wow rude

_(Karkat glares over at the two Terezis. The one from their past is speaking from annoyance. The one from their present is speaking from her desire to fuck with some nerds.)_

CG: NO, BUTTMUNCH, YOU *DO* HAVE A SAY IN THIS. PLEASE, CONTINUE.

_(John looks at the two - Dave has moved over to Karkat’s side, and Karkat is petting his hair. They look so cute together! He can’t help but swoon a little.)_

TG: yeah i just wanna second the motion that you should lead this sexcapade

TG: and to support it id like to draw attention to the fact that youre the best goddamn sex-haver in all of paradox space

TG: because thats like an objective fact

EB: (aww!!! so cute!!)

FGC: (TH3Y 4R3 V3RY WRONG B3C4US3 1 4M TH3 B3ST S3X H4V3R)

FGC: (BUT Y3S 1T'S QU1T3 3ND34R1NG HOW 4DOR4BL3 TH3S3 N3RDS 4R3)

EB: yeah, i’m going to third that motion! if that's the correct way to say it.

FGC: TH3N MY VOT3 BR1NGS US 4T FOUR

GC: WH3N D1D TH1S P41L1NG S3SS1ON TURN 1NTO 4 HUM4N D3MOCR4CY??

CG: IT’S NOT A HUMAN DEMOCRACY! *BELIEVE ME*, I AM THE ONE FIRMLY IN CHARGE OF THIS PAILING SESSION.

TG: hell yes karkles for pailing session leader

CG: NOW, WE SHOULD PROBABLY SPLIT UP THIS HUMAN AMONGST THE FOUR OF US.

 _(Future Terezi immediately speaks up, showcasing her fangs. John looks at the others with a lustful glint in his eyes. He’s_ really _into his four friends splitting him up like a piece of meat like this. He’s positioned firmly at the bottom of the totem pole here! He wonders to himself if he likes this better than being in a position like Karkat’s. He doesn’t really know? He shrugs that question off for another time.)_

FGC: 1'M T4K1NG H1S BULG3!!

CG: THAT'S FINE BY ME. DAVE AND I WILL TAKE HIS ASS AND MOUTH. IN FACT, DAVE, I WANT YOU TO TAKE HIS ASS.

TG: fuck yeah vantass is at it again expertly commanding the good ship bang bus into the choicest fucking sex waters

TG: were gonna catch us lots of choice rears and orgasm fish

GC: F1RST OF 4LL TH4T M1GHT B3 YOUR STUP1D3ST 4N4LOGY Y3T STR1D3R!!

TG: man fuck you that shit was sheer fire

GC: S3COND OF 4LL S3R1OUSLY?? YOU GUYS 1NT3RRUPT3D OUR P41L1NG 4ND 1 DON'T G3T H1S W4ST3 CHUT3 H1S MOUTH *OR* H1S BULG3??

FGC: SHUT UP P4ST M3!! 1 H4V3N'T H4D MY BULG3 F1LL3D BY 3GB3RT COCK 1N THR33 GOGD4MN Y34RS!!

CG: YEAH, AND DAVE AND I HAVE *NEVER* HAD THE BULGE-BLOWER! YOU HAD HIM IN YOUR NOOK *AND* YOUR BULGE! 

_(Past-rezi rolls her eyes at Karkat.)_

GC: SO?? TH4T'S ONLY B3C4US3 YOU TWO SUCK!! YOU TWO COULD H4V3 H4D H1M ON 34RTH-C!!

CG: OH FUCK YOU, PAST PYROPE!

EB: GUYS!

_(They turn to look at John, surprised. As much as he finds their banter humorous, he also wants to get this show on the road!)_

EB: if you keep arguing about it, i'm going to die before i even get boned to death! 

_(Vantas and his ex-matesprit from the past grumble at each other before she acquiesces Egbert’s mouth to Karkat. At this point, she's extremely worked up, so she'll take a hand as long as her sexy human matesprit gets her off. And besides - she can be a team player if it means "saving her lover's life". She'll just get Karkles back for this later. If there's one thing she knows how to do, it's how to dominate that nook-sniffer. Dave gets down to John’s level, and Karkat once again can’t help but appreciate just how adorable these two alien twinks are.)_

TG: so john

TG: how much prep will you need

EB: well... obviously we'll need lube!

TG: yeah obviously

EB: luckily i have some from earlier!

_(Using his windy powers, John teleports some lube from the car into his hands, which he promptly gives to Dave.)_

TG: wow john youre like a fuckin bulge scout

TG: always prepared to get fucked

EB: well, I did just take a bulge like 30 minutes ago! not that you really need lube to take troll dick. you do need it for troll fingers, though!

TG: wait you took terezis CLAWS in your ass

TG: jesus fuck egbert you like to live on the wild side huh

GC: TH4T'S B3C4US3 3GB3RT KNOWS TH4T L3G1SL4C3R4TORS 4R3 TH3 MOST SK1LL3D P41LM4T3S 1N TH3 3MP1R3!!

_(Future Terezi cackles, while Karkat rolls his eyes and mumbles something under his breath about the Terezi from this time being full of shit.)_

TG: ok tyrannical space empire bullshit aside

TG: do you need any stretching before we begin or are you good

EB: well… i did just take a bulge like, just thirty minutes ago? so my hole isn’t all virginal anymore! but i think our human dicks are a bit thicker than troll bulges, so it might be a good idea to stretch me out.

FGC: 4CTU4LLY JOHN TH4T'S NOT 4 S4F3 4SSUMPT1ON!! K4RKL3S OV3R H3R3 H4S 4 BULG3 TH1CK3R TH4N YOUR V3RY F4T HUM4N SP3C1M3N >;]

GC: OH MY GOG FUTUR3 M3!! 4R3 W3 R34LLY 4DM1TT1NG D3F34T TO K1TK4T OV3R H3R3??

FGC: L1K3 W3 C4R3 4BOUT HOW TH1CK OUR MUCH-LONG3R BULG3 1S COMP4R3D TO H1S!!

TG: yeah i was gonna say karkles has a thicker and longer dick than me

EB: oh! i guess i should have been paying more attention to size comparisons when i was stroking them off, hehe.

CG: IT’S OKAY, EGBERT. A NEEDY BULGE-SLUT SUCH AS YOURSELF CAN’T BE EXPECTED TO NOTICE THOSE DETAILS WHEN YOU’RE KNEE-DEEP IN REPRODUCTIVE ORGANS.

_(John smirks a bit at the stilted dirty talk.)_

EB: hehe! karkat, that’s kinda an odd way to put it, don’t you think?

CG: SHUT UP, FUCKASS! YOU’RE IN NO POSITION TO COMMENT ON MY SPEECH PATTERNS.

TG: i mean babe hes not wrong there that was kinda-

CG: THAT GOES FOR YOU TOO, STRIDER!

_(Egbert laughs again. Oh Lord! He’d better intervene before his friends have another silly argument.)_

EB: well… since i need to get stretched and lubed… why don’t you and Dave help me with that, karkat? i think your bulge would be a good choice to get me prepared.

CG: A VERY GOOD SUGGESTION. DAVE, WHY DON’T YOU EAT OUT HIS WASTECHUTE FIRST, AND I WILL STRETCH HIM OUT WITH MY BULGE. EGBERT, LIE DOWN ON YOUR BACK WITH YOUR LEGS BENT UP.

CG: AND AS INCENTIVE TO ENSURE YOU FUCKASSES STAY IN LINE, EGBERT, MAKE SURE THAT YOU PLEASURE THE TWO VERSIONS OF YOUR INSUFFERABLE MATESPRITS WHILE WE PREPARE YOU. 

_(Karkat and Dave both get behind John as he assumes the position, while the Twinrezs kneel on either side of his face. Future Terezi gives John a toothy grin as he reaches to start stroking them off again.)_

FGC: 1T MUST B3 SO H4RD TO H4V3 4N 1NF3R1OR HUM4N NOOK!! OUR SUP3R1OR TROLL NOOKS DON'T R3QU1R3 4NY STR3TCH1NG TO T4K3 BULG3S 1NS1D3 TH3M >:]

_(Egbert laughs at his girlfriend's cheeky comment.)_

EB: ok, one, yes, your hole is more suited for taking dicks than mine. but two, that’s because your hole is more like a pussy, and mine is an asshole!!

FGC: 1 STRONGLY D1S4GR33 3GB3RT

FGC: YOUR HUM4N W4ST3CHUT3 1S MUCH CLOS3R TO 4 HUM4N PUSSY!!

EB: hehe! well, maybe the reason you don't need stretching is because you're getting pounded all the time! ;B

FGC: YOU'R3 LUCKY 1 DON'T H4V3 MY WH1PS W1TH M3 DW33B!! >;]

EB: hehe. well i - ooooh! dave!!!

_(Any attempt to continue the back-and-forth with Terezi is ended when John finds himself on the receiving end of Dave’s oral skills. (While back there, Dave absentmindedly notices how cute John’s feet are. He then absentmindedly notices that he’s a kinky fuck. Jesus, Strider, one kink at a time.) The blonde-haired boy is a champion at oral - Terezi would probably chalk that up to his time with her, though it’s probably more fair to hand it to Vantas. Dave finds his AD/HD brain flooded with several observations at once. First, he didn’t expect John to be so well-trimmed down here. He’s not sure how much is due to the fact that his body hair is pretty short and thin generally, and how much of it is due to his personal care regimen. Again, maybe he’s thinking too much along the lines of the stereotypes of their Earth, but he’s pretty sure that heterosexual people don’t care as much about trimming their ass hairs. Well, typically, anyway. Okay, that might be too stereotypical and shit. He disregards that._

_Secondly, holy shit, Egbert’s musk is_ nice _. He doesn’t think he’s quite as freaky about smells as John was earlier, but… nah, Egbert’s ass smell is really good. He isn’t going to mention that one._

 _It tastes pretty good too. Karkat’s asshole tastes and smells nice as well, but he’s happy that John seems to be similar in its pleasantness (though his rear is pretty different from his troll beau’s in the taste/smell department.) He eats into John’s ass like a man possessed, licking, sucking, and sticking his tongue as far past the sphincter as he can. The eager moans that he’s hearing from his childhood friend make it_ more _than fucking worth it. Holy shit, if he didn’t have his mouth full, he’d be raving about how sexy his cute twink friend is. In fact, he can hear Karkat doing exactly that.)_

CG: LOOK AT YOU, EGBERT. YOU’RE A NATURAL, AREN’T YOU? YOU WERE BORN TO PLEASURE OTHERS. HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE TONGUE-FUCKED BY ANOTHER MAN?

EB: so… so fucking good!!

CG: HMM. THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT. 

_(The Knight of Blood grabs John’s dagger and strokes it gingerly. His cock is weeping precum into his gray hands; meanwhile, he looks down to see John’s face with a nice smattering of teal genmat from his chronologically-separated twin girlfriends, who are making out with each other above him.)_

CG: YOU AND DAVE ARE THE SAME IN THAT REGARD. YOU TWO JUST LOVE TO BE REMINDED OF YOUR “GAYNESS”.

CG: HOW DOES IT FEEL, JOHN EGBERT? HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE A HOMOSEXUAL?

EB: i-it’s weird… 

CG: DOES IT HUMILIATE YOU WHEN I POINT OUT THAT YOU'RE ENGAGING IN SEX WITH ANOTHER MALE?

EB: heh. y-yeah… i guess it does a little… 

CG: DOES IT MAKE YOU FEEL *GOOD* WHEN I POINT THAT OUT?

EB: ahahaha!! mmnh… i guess so~

CG: THOUGHT SO. YOUR GAYNESS IS FUCKING ADORABLE.

EB: hehe! karkat!! daaave!!

 _(John giggles from the tickling sensation of having his taint rubbed by Dave while his cock is being stroked by Karkat. Even though Karkat is referring to this stuff in an - there’s not much better word for it -_ alien _way, having the fact that he’s balls-deep into a gay sex act is tantalizingly humiliating - and deeply arousing. His gayness is on full display in front of the people he loves. It’s taboo. It’s improper. Obscene. Filthy, even. And he loves every fucking second of it. He is a god of the wind - and right now, he’s a buttslut mewling over his best friend’s tongue in his anal cavity._

 _John says a silent prayer of thanksgiving for being bisexual. This is the fucking_ best _.)_

CG: HH. HUMANS ARE SO PREDICTABLE. AND SO FUCKING CUTE.

_(The two Terezis let out an “mmf” of acknowledgement to their fellow troll. John gestures for the girls to bring their bulges to his mouth, which they're quick to oblige. In turn, their human lover starts licking on both bulges as much as he can, putting them both in his mouth. Meanwhile, Karkat brings his tongue to John’s cock and gives a quick lick, causing John to release a sharp moan feeling the rough troll tongue wrapping around his head to lap up the precum on his cock’s tip.)_

CG: VERY GOOD, DAVE. NOW, STEP ASIDE.

_(Feeling Strider’s tongue exit his hole, John cranes his head upward towards his lower body. Dave comes out from behind John, sweat now coating his face from being deep between the man’s supple asscheeks. He kisses the love of his life passionately, and then moves over, taking a spot next to Egbert’s side.)_

TG: here ya go egbert youre in for a fuckin treat

TG: you get to have a taste of that fantastic fucking vantasbulge

TG: if you decide youd rather take his dick than mine i wont judge trust me i know firsthand how awesome he is

_(The Heir lifts up the Pyrope bulges from his mouth briefly - current Terezi has a twinge of disappointment on her face, but says nothing.)_

EB: hehe! thanks, but uh… this is something i’ve been curious about for a LONG time.

_(Dave raises an eyebrow at his best bro.)_

TG: oh really

TG: like my cock specifically or just human cock or just ass stuff

TG: just curious i know that terezi is eagerly waiting for you to get back to sucking but i gotta know

GC: Y34H SO SHUT TH3 FUCK UP DUMP4SS!!

FGC: SHUT UP 4ND K1SS M3 MOR3 WH1L3 TH3 DORK H4S 4 MOM3NT W1TH H1S D34R3ST N3RD FR13ND!!

GC: UGH F1N3

_(As the Twinrezis make out above him (and he continues to idly stroke their bulges), John proceeds to have that “MOM3NT”.)_

EB: well… here’s the thing!

EB: while i didn’t really *know* i was into dudes until recently, i gotta admit that i’ve been curious about anal stuff for a while! 

EB: as for dudes... to be honest, i think my mind knew i liked dudes before i did, if that makes any sense. like, the first wet dream i ever had was about me getting fucked by one of my friends.

TG: and that friend would be

EB: hehe… you, of course!

TG: goddamn

TG: 13 year old me would have KILLED to know that

TG: i mean i always thought that you were hopelessly out of reach and all that bad shit but instead here you were dreaming of strider dong

EB: i mean... to be honest, i also had a little bit of experience down there. i mean, even before terezi and i got it on.

TG: wait WHAT

EB: not like... anything major! just my fingers...

GC: 4ND 4 SH4RP13

EB: and that... i just heard it felt good. and it does! 

TG: yeah but like

TG: just once or

EB: ...eheh. pretty often, i'll admit. 

CG: SO, EVEN BEFORE YOU AND TEREZI PAILED, YOU *REALLY* LIKE IT THERE.

EB: yeah! it feels good to play with my prosta-aahn! karkat..

_(Egbert’s train of thought is briefly derailed as Karkat’s bulge starts poking at the entrance to his anus.)_

TG: damn i cant help but feel like we should have done this fuckin years ago

EB: oohh… w-well, i don’t mean to rub it in, but yeah, i agree. but hey, no time like the pre- mmhnf! that’s so good...

_(Karkat’s bulge gradually works its way into John, making the task of concentrating on forming words that aren’t just expressions of his pleasure even more arduous.)_

CG: YES, I AGREE. IT’S A SHAME WE DIDN’T DO THIS BEFORE, BUT WE’RE GOING TO MAKE UP FOR THAT.

TG: fuck yeah were going to make your inaugural gay assventures hella fuckin memorable

TG: itll be so amazing that theyll make a holiday celebrating it

TG: countless hymns will be devoted to the great gay god sexbang in which beloved creator john egbert lost his homo virginity

TG: why h-

EB: d-dave! shit… c-come over here, dude!

_(Dave straddles John’s side; the slightly-younger boy gestures for him to get face to face with him. The blonde complies; he leans forward, placing his head under the undulating, curled up Terezi bulge bridge above the brunette’s head. Dave shivers a bit at the feeling of John’s hot breath on his face.)_

TG: yeah what is it

_(John suddenly retcons Dave’s shades into his wallet sylladex.)_

TG: hey wait what the fuck is that for

_(Dave’s eyes are so pretty. John thinks they go great with his own. He takes a moment to just… gaze into them. Dave looks transfixed - perhaps admiring his shining blue eyes, which John considers to be a good sign. Suddenly, John releases Future-Rezi’s bulge and pulls Dave’s face into his, kissing him passionately - before grasping back onto both bulges. (Thank goodness, he thinks to himself, for those years of hammer-swinging! Otherwise, he’d be sore from keeping his arms like this.)_

_He realizes that he’s thought about this before; he thinks back to the flits of images that have entered his mind over the years - which he refused to dwell on, for one reason or another. For Terezi, for Rose, for Roxy, for Kanaya, for Vriska, for Karkat, for Dirk, for_ Dave _\- he’s pretty sure he’s imagined kissing his best friend before! But instead of indulging in that, he stopped himself - convincing himself that he couldn’t do that with his best friend, that Dave was the straightest bro that had ever bro’d, that his dad would be disappointed in him, that_ he wasn’t gay, no sir, not at all _\- God, he’s a doofus! He’s so glad to be done with that shit. (And he’s pretty sure his dad would accept him no matter what. Shit, he wishes he could come out to his dad… Stop it, Egbert! He puts that thought to the side to deal with later.) From now on, if he’s into one of his friends, he’s just going to ask, “Hey, do you wanna fuck?” Or something like that. Maybe he’ll need to work up to it still? Who knows. Who cares! Assuming he gets the chance, he has a goddamn list of friends who he’d love to bed - a couple he’d love to wed! Or just date. How would a multi-person marriage even work? Whatever. He_ deserves _to have fun._ He deserves to be happy. _He punctuates these thoughts by giving his all into kissing the fantastic dude he’s wrestling tongues with, into stroking the fantastic girls above him, into taking the fantastic boy fucking his ass. It’s so good! Karkat keeps hitting his prostate and grunting into him - Jesus Christ, there’s so many sensations, mental and physical -_

_And then, Karkat removes his bone bulge from his ass. He feels a bit... disappointed about that. Even though he knows he's about to get filled up again anyway.)_

CG: OKAY, JOHN. ARE YOU READY?

_(Egbert lets go of the two Terezis’ bulges as they all look back at the short troll knelt behind John’s butt. John’s already starting to feel tired - but he’s not going to stop now.)_

EB: haah… mmh… mmh-hmm~ 

_(Karkat gives a satisfied grin, clearly pleased.)_

CG: ALRIGHT, EVERYONE, GET THE FUCK IN PLACE! 

_(John pulls his upper body up as the others shift before him. Future Terezi quickly gets on her hands and knees and presents herself to John, who eagerly clambors over to meet her. John places his back above the blind girl - the troll that he just began to embrace his love for. She's so beautiful, so perfect - from that adorable tummy of hers, to her moderately-sized breasts, to her incredible hips and jiggly butt. It's funny, he thinks to himself - if I were a girl, we'd be pretty similar in body shape! He imagines the two of them, standing together, their tits and their dicks (or tentabulge, in her case) out in the open, his long hair draped over his shoulders as Terezi plays with it, rubbing their breasts and bulges together as they make out like the sexy ladies that they are..._

_Huh. That's an odd image. Why did that make him feel so nice?_

_Anyway! Future-Terezi stands out from the Terezi from his present in that her body is essentially shaped how it was before she ventured out into Paradox Space. The first thing he noticed when he ran into Past TZ was how much weight she had shed. Terezi was only a mildly chubby girl to begin with, but it still concerned him to see that her stomach was essentially flat, and her hips were a little slimmer. Not that it mattered - Terezi is just as sexy whether she's chubby or not! The two Terezis are equally sexy to him, and are perfect in every way. No, what concerned him was *why* she was skinnier. It was like she was running low on food while venturing out in space, and had to begin rationing it. She wasn't "skin and bones" like she was starving, but he worries that she'll eventually get there, if she continues on her search. He was planning on talking to her about it before he finally died - maybe convince her to let him bring her to Earth-C before he finally kicked the bucket. This plan of hers will most likely work, so that shouldn't be an issue... but if it doesn't..._

_Well, Dave should be able to help her, right? He hopes they'll be able to get back if he doesn't make it._

_John brings himself back to the situation at hand. Below him, Terezi is impatiently wiggling her bottom, her pussy leaking, ready and waiting for him to penetrate it once more. Behind her snarky, playful exterior, she was burning with anticipation. Frankly, this whole plan was just as much about self-indulgence as it was to save the life of the boy who died in the middle of his declaration of love. She couldn't help but feel robbed - three years spent mourning should have been three years spent with him. She sometimes wondered how their relationship would have turned out. There were certainly timelines where they were in love for eternity - and ones where their spark fizzled out. But_ she _never got to find out how that would have turned out in_ her _timeline. Now, he was on top of her, about to fuck her like he did what felt like an eternity ago. She needed this - on a physical level, and an emotional one._

_And John is eager to provide, and hungry for more, especially after his intercourse with the Terezi from his time was interrupted - and all that stuff just now. He thrusts forward aggressively into her nook, causing an instant reaction from both parties, with Terezi shuddering in bliss and John releasing a quiet moan of pleasure.)_

FGC: GOG FUCK Y3S!! 

FGC: 1T'S B33N TOO LONG

FGC: RUT M3 L1K3 1'M 4 F3M4L3 B4RKB34ST YOU GOGD4MN SLUTTY N3RD!!

_(John giggles at the "female barkbeast" part. The "slutty nerd" part sends a small tinge of pleasure through his body. It's funny how she can get both of those reactions from him at once._

_Either way, he gets the message, loud and clear. He begins fucking her in earnest, earning him loud, breathy moans from the girl beneath him._

_Nearby, Karkat and Past Terezi stand near his front, as Dave stands behind him.)_

CG: OK DAVE. YOU START FUCKING HIS ASS FIRST, THEN PAST TEREZI AND I WILL GET STARTED ON HIM.

TG: sounds good

TG: why that order though

CG: I WANT TO HEAR HIM MOAN.

_(Dave kisses his lover passionately - Karkat is the best fucking boyfriend in the multiverse.)_

TG: that’s what im fuckin talking about karks this is why youre daddy dom

CG: UGH! STRIDER, WHY DO YOU INSIST ON CALLING ME THAT?

TG: because it annoys you and you fucking love it

_(Karkat whaps Dave’s ass, and the Knight of Time yelps, causing the troll to smirk in a satisfied way and current Terezi to chortle at the human geekwad. Dave decides to focus on the choice ass of his best friend, and positions himself behind Egbert.)_

TG: lemme know if anything hurts

EB: mmh-hmm...

_(Dave grabs John's beautiful ass with one hand, causing John to halt his movements. He presses a lubed-up finger into John's anal passage, causing the wind god to release a sharp gasp. With Karkat’s genmat (and a bit of Terezi’s, still) in his rear, John is still kind of lubed up, but Dave knows from experience that it’s better to have more than you need than not enough. Despite the recent assfuckings he’s taken, John's hole is still tight; yet the previous stretchings make it give way easily. Dave is mesmerized by playing with it, and his intentions start to drift over from simply lubing the orifice to playing with it. It doesn't take long for a second finger to find its way inside the blue boy, which makes Egbert release a small "mmh!" Dave appreciates a loud bottom. Eager to hear more, Dave angles his two fingers downward and searches for his friend's spot until - )_

EB: AHH!

TG: there it is

TG: theres the egbert moan zone

EB: agh-hehe! shut up you idiot! i- i want you inside me~

TG: patience my little bottom bitch were getting there

TG: were doing it man

TG: were making this happen

_(With that, Dave begins pushing his fingers back and forth inside of John's tight ass - on the outward stroke, he nearly pulls his fingers out, and on the inward stroke, he pushes them back in and presses against his prostate. After a solid minute of this routine - and the introduction of a third finger - Dave feels pretty confident that his best friend is ready. As fun as it is to finger-fuck his friend, fucking him is going to feel way more rad. Removing his hand, he quickly lubes up his dick, and presses his tip against John's hole. Before Dave can say anything, his best friend speaks up.)_

EB: i-i'm ready dave.

TG: cmon bro ask me like you fuckin mean it

EB: oh my goooood. daaaave...

_(Egbert’s tone becomes whiny, but Dave isn’t going to hear it. He might not normally top, but he knows that a bottom like John eats this shit up.)_

TG: no ifs ands or buts

TG: you gotta tell me what you want got it

EB: f-fuck dave, fine~

_(John laughs softly at himself and how ridiculous this is - he already has his dick inside Terezi, for pete’s sake! But he has to admit: this feels really good. He spreads his asscheeks wide for Dave, just like he did not so long ago for his matesprit. Just like she taught him to… he smiles as he thinks about that.)_

EB: dave... p-please fuck my ass!

_(Dave’s eyes go wide. Goddamn, John knows how to push his fucking buttons.)_

TG: holy FUCK john

TG: thats how you ask to be fucked like a good little slut

_(Yep, asking John to do that was the best move. That display alone will fuel his fantasies for the next century._

_Dave pushes forward, starting out slowly, simply working his dick into John's eager hole. Every time his cock works its way further into his body, John cries out in his delightful, feminine moans, which only grow more intense as his best bro's ass comes closer and closer to the base of his cock. Dave can't help but think that Egbert would make a fucking awesome porn star. He'd love to see that timeline._

_Then again, he's kind of living it right now, in a way.)_

TG: ok

TG: so you ready

TG: because i wanna go full fucking bore on you now like the bitch you are

EB: dave!! i already said i was ready!

EB: now make me your bitch, you nerd!!

TG: hell fucking yeah you belong to me now you cute little whore

 _(Dave lets out a little breathy laugh, before doing exactly as Egbert requested, making sure to angle his cock downward so that he hits John's g-spot with every thrust in._ That _gets the Egbert symphony going like crazy. John works himself into a counter-rhythm, thrusting forward into Future Terezi's nook, and backward into Strider's cock.)_

EB: yes!! yes!! dave~ i’m all yours!! i’m your cute little whore!!!

_(Dave can’t help but notice that John really likes being called cute. He smirks. Time to up the ante on that, then.)_

TG: thats right 

TG: youre my adorable little bitch

TG: you might as well be a cute slutty babe with the way youre riding on my cock

TG: you feel that

TG: im making you my woman

EB: aahnnhnn~!!! yes!!! make me your girl~!!

_(Bingo. So John likes some gender play stuff. Fuck yeah. Dave feels like the best fucking dom right now. Well, really, he’s just learned from the best. He looks over and sees Karkat’s grin. Double fuck yeah. Dave lives for his boyfriend’s approval. Seeing Karkat is enjoying this as much as he is makes him so fucking happy.)_

CG: GOOD WORK, BABE. YOU’RE AN EXCELLENT FUCKING DOM.

_(He reaches over John and brings his mouth to Dave’s, quickly snogging him before focusing back on the task at hand.)_

CG: NOW, SLUT, SUCK ON MY BULGE.

_(The moaning mess that is currently John Egbert eagerly complies, letting his troll buddy fuck his mouth with his long, wriggling, tentacle-esque appendage. Soon after that, Past Terezi gives him her engorged phallus to stroke. That gives John the idea to reach downward and grab the bulge of the girl underneath him as well. The Heir of Breath tackles all of these tasks with gusto, eager to serve his lovers and friends with his body. Both of his hands and his holes are occupied with cock._

_Karkat grabs his head, fingers twisted through his dark brown hair, and begins to fuck his face. Vantas isn't sure how rough John might want it, although given just how subby he’s being, he’s almost positive that his friend will at least want the illusion of being brutally fucked. He goes for a middle ground: every now and again, he holds John's head and thrusts forward, then lets up on him, allowing him to move as he pleased. When he notices tears pricking the edges of his eyes, Karkat almost removes his bulge from his close friend's mouth - but as he begins to slide his bulge away, John jerks his head forward and looks up at the cute mutant-blood with pleading, desperate eyes. Faced with such a display, Karkat decides to give Egbert something closer to what Strider likes to get - a skull fucking. Granted, he avoids forcing John to deepthroat his troll-cock (maybe someday), but it's still pretty rough for a newbie. And yet, John continues to moan blissfully around his appendage, rubbing his tongue around Karkat's tentabulge like there's nothing else in the world more fantastic than dick._

_The five of them are a sight to behold - the image of sexual debauchery, if there was one. There they were, in the middle of nowhere, their friend on the verge of death, and they had decided to spend his last hours alive in a rut-crazed frenzy. Sure, there was a reason for it - but it also was being done just to make them all happy. In a previous time, when he wasn't faced by his own impending death, John Egbert would have declined Terezi's plan. Maybe, if he hadn't just spent a near-eternity sealed in a box, with nothing to do but navel-gaze, he would still be insisting that he was "not a homosexual"._

_Luckily for them all, it was just the right time, just the right place, and just the right people for such an event._

_The multiple forms of stimulation are wearing on Egbert's ability to hold on. Every thrust forward from Dave and every thrust backward into Terezi is sending electric shock waves of pleasure throughout his body. The sensation of getting his mouth fucked and getting his side and shoulder manhandled by Terezi kept reminding him that he was completely and totally subservient to them right now, which kept him stimulated mentally as well. It was so much, so fast, so good. In his spare time, he would sometimes edge himself, seeing how long he could last before he finally came. That training served him well when he and Terezi were hooking up earlier. He remembered the swelling of pride when she told him that his stamina was impressive, especially for a virgin._

_But that was when he was having sex with one person. Now? They've been going at it for... okay, John has no idea how long it's been. But he's pretty sure it's been maybe... 10 minutes, at least? Maybe? Maybe it's been two... he has a hard time telling right now. But he is pretty sure he won't last anywhere near as long as he did with TZ._

_John's partners are also nearing the limits of their sexual stamina. Past Terezi, humping wildly into John's hand, is babbling out proclamations of love for the ecto-biologist, and declarations of his status as "TH3 S3X13ST L1TTL3 HUM4N BR33D1NG B1TCH TH3 MULT1V3RS3 H4S 3V3R KNOWN!!" Dave, thrusting madly into John's rear, grips onto Egbert's bubble butt for dear life as he continually mutters out "fuck"s and "god damns" and "sweet Jesus Christ almighty"s, alongside stifled grunts, light moans, and declarations of John’s cuteness - like, “fuck john youre so cute that theyre going to replace hello kitty with hello fuckin egbert thats how goddamn cute you are”. Karkat, rutting wildly as he holds the human's head in a vice grip as he mutters out that John is a "GOOD GIRL", assuring the Heir that he is a "SEXY LITTLE BULGESOCK WHO MAKES DADDY FEEL FUCKING AMAZING". (Dave and Karkat's voices are soon replaced by the sound of sloppy makeouts.) Current Terezi, groping the sheets beneath her for dear life, is caught in a feedback loop of insane pleasure and emotional catharsis - the pain of three years without him almost feeling worth it in the end - as she cries out how John is a "PRETTY LITTLE THING" and declares that he's "SUCH 4 CUT3 L1TTL3 N3RDY HUM4N L4DY" - in between her cries of how much she missed him._

_John is currently completely muffled by the bulge brutally fucking his throat. If he weren't, his uncontrolled, high-octave moans would be the sweet serenade to their impending orgasms. However, he feels himself growing weaker and weaker, and his partners notice that his cries are becoming quieter and quieter. He feels so good... his world is becoming fuzzier and fuzzier. The sounds of his friends as they're enraptured by the pleasure he's giving them begin to fade out, until they're just dull sounds in the background of his universe. The only voice he can make out now is hers - Terezi Pyrope, the one from three years in the future, the one who held onto his body for years in the hopes of resurrecting him, the girl who tried to move on but never could, the woman who John spent his last burst of strength sending back from the abyss..._

_She still loves him. Even after all this time. She thinks to herself that the younger version of her is the one who should be with him - the one who didn't have to watch him die in the middle of confessing his love, who doesn't have three years of depressed baggage to deal with, who can be the mentally-well partner he needs (or as mentally well as any Pyrope can be). In the time she's spent hanging around Dirk - aka, "STUP1D FUCK1NG W33B N3RD MURD3R3R" - she had discovered the likely location of one Vriska Serket - in the future of some bumblefuck timeline that had split from the main one of their universe. Now that she knew where she was, she could go to her without wandering aimlessly and starving to death. John would be able to have a more stable Terezi, and she'd be able to finally be with Vriska._

_But she still wants John._

_For now, at least, she can have him._

_And right now, with his vision blurry and his consciousness fading ever-so-slowly, her words are the only things he can make out.)_

FGC: OH GOG JOHN... YOU'R3 SUCH 4 B34UT1FUL G1RL

FGC: 1 LOV3 YOU SO MUCH

FGC: 1 PROM1S3 1'LL S4V3 YOU TH1S T1M3

_(It’s difficult for him to say (physically, at least), but he needs to say the feelings on his mind.)_

EB: i… i love you too… 

EB: love you… terezi pyrope… love you both… and dave and karkat…

_(He can barely hear anyone else but Future Terezi, but he vaguely recognizes the voice of one Karkat Vantas saying “WE LOVE YOU TOO”. He can feel Dave rubbing his back, as a sign that he knows and cares - he thinks that Dave says something too, but he can’t tell. Past Terezi is petting his hair now - she said something, he knows that, something that involves the word “LOV3” like what her future counterpart said._

_He’s glad that he said that. It had to be said. They need to know that he loves them, especially if he never gets another chance. Maybe he loves Dave and Karkat more platonically - as opposed to the mostly-romantic feelings he has for Terezi - well, Terezis. Doesn’t matter. In his book, romantic love is just as important as any other form of love. They matter to him so much._

_With that done, he lets his mind drift again. There's something about being called a girl that causes him to feel a twinge of pleasure. The words he keeps hearing from her - "cute", "beautiful", "pretty", "lady", "girl", "woman" - send a happy signal through his mind. John always suspected that Terezi knew more about him than he knew about himself. It would make sense, seeing that she's a Seer of Mind. He figures those powers are how she knew, before he understood it (or accepted it), that he would love gay sex, for example. She must have some idea why that is. He thinks he might be able to find out on his own, if he thinks about it more. He at least knows this: being called a girl makes him_ really fucking happy. 

_John makes a silent hope that he’ll find out, with the help of his friends and his lovers. All of them. If - when - he survives this, he’s going to be with both of these Terezis. There wasn't any way he could choose just one of these Pyropes. He could never abandon her - past, present, or future. She had been left alone too many times - first by Vriska, and then by him. As silly as it may be, he would be happy to live a life with them both - and, occasionally, with happy platonic sex outings from his closest friends. If he survives - when he survives, he reminds himself! Terezi has this in the bag, he's pretty sure - he's going to take his second chance with gusto. He'll live his life to the fullest with all of the people he loves. Not just for them, but for him. And he'll do it with her_ and _her.)_

FGC: W3'R3 4LL H3R3 FOR YOU, B4B3

FGC: CUM FOR M3, JOHN

FGC: L3T 1T 4LL GO

_(And with that, he finally reaches climax._

_It's a blissful peak, greater than any he'd ever felt. As he does so, he notices in the corner of his mind that there's a tightness in his chest. He could feel some pain from it, if he focused on it, but he doesn't. His eyes are shut now. He can feel his mind fading further away. The outside world is almost gone. He does feel the sensations - the feeling of his friend's cum shooting into him, his other friend’s bulge releasing load after seemingly endless load of genetic material, his lover spraying genetic material on his side and back, his cock throbbing and spurting out his hot release inside his other lover's body._

_He knows that he is dying. If he focused hard, he could feel his heart spasm, his lungs desperately trying to pull in oxygen, his friends flipping him over and cradling his twitching body. He can vaguely feel two lips - the Terezis, he guesses? - kiss his face. He notices their hands caressing him, comforting him - he thinks he can tell them apart if he tries hard enough, but he doesn’t want to. Just knowing they’re all holding him is enough. If he could muster up the will to speak, he’d tell them that he loves them all again. But… he thinks he made that clear._

_Instead, he allows_ la petit mort _to carry him into unconsciousness, slipping away as he starts to fall down from his peak - and then, into_ la Grande Mort _._

_One final thought enters his mind. "They need me."_

_One final act of kindness for his friends._

_With that last act, John Egbert slips into unconsciousness. He dies seconds later from a massive cardiac arrest._

_Near his father's car, a blue portal shines - a gateway back to Earth-C. A path back home, for those he loved. Just in case they need it._

_Just in case he doesn’t come back.)_

_(Dave and Karkat are cuddled together around John, now covered in the sexual fluids of the five of them, fearfully watching John's currently-lifeless body. Both of their hands gently stroke his sweat-covered hair. Next to his still body, the Terezis of Dave and Karkat's present and past cradle him. Their faces are still with anticipation - they trust their abilities, sure. But there's a lot on the line right now. To put it mildly._

_If this is it - and God help them if it is - this is going to suck so fucking hard, Dave thinks to himself. To put it mildly._

_Because John is his best friend, and he's one of the people he loves the most in this world. And you have to be pretty fucking amazing to be in the top five. There's, what, Karkat, then John? ...or maybe Karkat, then Jade, then John. Fuck. Maybe it was Karkat AND Jade, then John. Karkat AND Jade AND John?_

_...man. He needs to figure this shit out. But the point is, John is... John is someone he loves. Mostly platonically, maybe a bit romantically. Maybe it flits between the two sometimes. Who knows? He doesn't. He had only just begun to process his death earlier. That hurt so fucking much._

_He hugs his loving boyfriend tighter. Karkat is already sniffling. In his arms, he feels permission to let his tears flow too. Karkat's hands rub his naked body - they're like a tether to the ground for a hot-air balloon, keeping him from rising frantically into uncontrolled panic._

_Then, John's body is covered in a strange, paint-like substance, one whose colors that spasm and flicker through each color of the rainbow, causing eye strain when one looks at it. The two lovers turn away from the painfully-colored sight and towards each other. The relief on each others' faces is palpable.)_

TG: holy fuck dude

TG: we actually did it

CG: I LOVE YOU, DAVE. 

TG: love you too karkat

_(The two kiss each other as John begins the process of regenerating. Future Terezi looks back at the two idiots, with an expression that says, "TOLD YOU LOS3RS!" Past Terezi has tears in her eyes as John floats back down onto the mattress. Slowly, the boy in blue pushes himself up from the bed... and then flops back down on it. He's somehow managed to fall down on his face again, and he's too tired to bother to change it. John isn't sure whether it's the regeneration that's made him tired, or the wild coitus. Past and Future Terezi help him flip over on his back.)_

EB: holy... fuck... 

EB: you know... 

EB: i think i might be a bisexual.

_(And John Egbert comes back to life cracking a joke._

_The two Terezis, both crying now, surround their boyfriend in a deep embrace. Through their tears, they are smiling and giggling at their dumb nerd of a boyfriend. Dave and Karkat scootch over behind John and the Terezis, each placing an arm around Egbert's shoulders and draping their hands on his still-naked chest, and each one draping their remaining arm around the nearest Terezi. Karkat is openly crying, while Dave is hiding his sniffling behind John's back. Dave thinks to himself that it's kind of funny that he's now technically a person who's cried after sex. Is that kind of fucked up?)_

EB: hehe... oh my god, guys... 

_(Egbert sniffles too. He can only imagine how much pain the people he loved must have been through with his passing. He... he honestly didn't realize how much he meant to them. In his depressive fugue, he assumed that they would be just fine - or even better off - without his presence. And yet, here two versions of the woman he loves, along with the two closest friends he has, are crying tears of cathartic joy because he didn't kick the bucket._

_And, of course, being the silly dingus that he was, is, and forever will be, Dave manages to pop the mood of the reunion with one of his dumb quips.)_

TG: i guess that makes you my bottom bitch huh john

_(Everyone stops and looks at him.)_

CG: OH MY GOG... SHUT THE FUCK UP, STRIDER.

_(Karkat playfully pushes his boyfriend as the group laughs at his penchant for interrupting the moment. John, whose face is now able to be flushed again, has a clear red tint on his cheeks. The gears in his mind are whirring. Was that a challenge?! He chuckles a bit to himself.)_

EB: are you SURE about that dave?

TG: what do you mean

_(Using his infamous retcon powers, John imbues all of them with a sudden burst of energy. Well, everyone except Dave. He gets some energy, but not as much as John, Karkat, and the Twin-rezis do. OK, and maybe he also gave all five of them a bit of a burst of arousal.)_

EB: hey karky! between the two of you, you're usually the one fucking, right?

CG: FIRST OF ALL, FUCK THAT NICKNAME. SECOND OF ALL, YES.

EB: that's what I figured! rezi mentioned that earlier, hehe.

_(The four look hungrily at Dave Strider. He notices that everyone has gone from kneeling and sitting to standing, leaving even the smaller John Egbert as a taller figure compared to him. Karkat kisses Dave on the cheek - he notices that his matesprit has a certain glint in his eye. He recognizes that look very well by now, having been on the receiving end of it many times. His submissive side screams out in pure joy.)_

CG: ALRIGHT, WOULD YOU GUYS LIKE TO HELP ME FUCK MY BULGESOCK?

FGC: Y3S

EB: hell yes!

GC: H3LL FUCK1NG Y3S!!

_(Karkat gives Dave a kiss on the lips.)_

CG: YOU HEARD THEM, DAVE. 

CG: GET ON YOUR HANDS AND KNEES. 

_(Dave gulps, again._

_He knew that he'd regret dating Karkat someday.)_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you couldn't tell, this was my favorite chapter to write. I worked pretty hard to keep everyone in-character, and to keep it from being the "John and Terezi and Terezi Show feat. Karkat and Dave". I wanted everyone to feel like they were an essential part of the scene. I feel pretty confident I accomplished that.
> 
> For me, feels and plot are always essential to the smut I write. (*No shade for those who write porn without plot! I enjoy that stuff too like everyone else.) I want to make this a part of the broader relationships between these characters - the deep friendship John has with his bros (which include some romantic feelings alongside the mostly platonic ones) and the romance between the Terezis and John. 
> 
> And yes, we've now formally introduced TRANSFEELS FOR EGBERT INTO THIS FIC!! God, that was fun. 
> 
> All in all, I had fun with this! As before, crit and concrit are encouraged, even if it's harsh - I really don't mind if you wanna call my fic stupid. And, the shoutouts - which are the same as the last chapter, but hey: shoutouts to AnamorphMarco, twofoldaxiom, LaOruga, wetiyurae, rosegarden, Laurasaurus, alldavekat, LeafStitch, seademons, C4L1C4T, and everyone else in Gang Gang and Davekat Thirst Federation who beta-read this fic in some capacity, encouraged me through this process, and gave me advice! <3 you guys


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